This year's kinda sucked so far for horror flicks. Oh, sure, we've had the occasional break from mediocrity (re: remakes) with movies like Cloverfield and . . . uh . . . well. Like I said, this year's kinda sucked. But don't worry! Hope is on the way. A whole bunch of new major-release pictures are ready to vy for your dollars (and crush your hopes). The following movies are rated on a variety of factors, including stars, source material, and any personal vendetta I might have with the people responsible.
August 15th
MIRRORS
FOR: People who haven't been exhausted by the use of mirrors as symbolism in horror films.
ABOUT: Let's consider the following carefully. In the good corner? Alexandre Aja and Kiefer Sutherland. The former is among the more stylish of modern horror directors, and the latter deserves a chance to move beyond Jack Bauer. In the not-so-good corner? It's another damned Asian horror remake. Why do the studios hate us so?
BOTTOM LINE: Rent it. Aja's Hills Have Eyes remake supposedly had merit (I skipped it with no regrets), so maybe he can dodge that bullet nobody else has dodged.
September 1st
THE MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN
FOR: Diehard horror fans unconcerned about their perceived masculinity.
ABOUT: The story comes from one of Clive Barker's first "Books of Blood" tales. A photographer becomes obsessed with a beefy slasher; the killer's modus operandi is butchering people like cattle in New York subways. The original story's got a wonderfully bizarre finale, and hopefully Versus director Ryuhei Kitamura kept it intact.
BOTTOM LINE: See it. Then spend the next day trying to convince your friends to go see a film called The Midnight Meat Train.
October 10th
QUARANTINE
FOR: American cinemagoers who didn't see Spanish cult hit [Rec].
ABOUT: Another damned remake, this time another effort to scrape more money out of the horror-verite style that gave us Cloverfield and Diary of the Dead. Of course, [Rec] came before them, and Blair Witch was causing headaches nearly a decade ago. One good sign is the presence of Jennifer Carpenter (Dexter, The Exorcism of Emily Rose), an under-seen actress with serious chops.
BOTTOM LINE: Rent it. But first, see [Rec].
October 24th
SAW V
FOR: The idiots who didn't learn their lesson from the previous four Saw pictures.
ABOUT: Hoffman, the only surviving character to carry Jigsaw's legacy, has to destroy all the evidence of his involvement. How this need to evade capture will involve even more death-defying traps, I will leave for the less jaded cinemagoers to uncover. I wish the Saw producers well, but this is where our paths divide.
BOTTOM LINE: Skip it. Haven't you learned your lesson by now?
November 7th:
REPO! THE GENETIC OPERA
FOR: People who thought Rocky Horror wasn't demented enough.
ABOUT: Darren Lynn Bousman's dream project. Already, the picture looks much more stylish and confident than his middle three Saw pictures, and while some of the casting looks iffy (can Paris Hilton carry a tune?), the film is guaranteed to push the boundaries of bad taste even further. Bonus points for convincing Paul Sorvino to get involved.
BOTTOM LINE: See it. It's a flippin' rock opera about internal organs.
November 11th
THE ROAD
FOR: Those of you who like your horror movies a little more high-brow and respectable.
ABOUT: The film is based on the Pulitzer-Prize winning modern masterpiece that nearly everybody went nuts for in the past two years. Hell, even Oprah loved it, and when Oprah loves your story is about a father and son outracing cannibals in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, you've struck gold.
BOTTOM LINE: See it. Directed by The Proposition's John Hillcoat, this is probably going to be the horror film to beat for 2008.
Decemter 12th
TWILIGHT
FOR: The kids who devoured the bestselling young-adult series about vampires.
ABOUT: Borderline illegal. An 108-year-old vampire in a seventeen-year-old's body goes gaga for a sweet young thang who moves into town. Their romance is thwarted by rogue vampires, go figure. The series by Stephenie Myer is a critically-lauded phenomenon, but it's unlikely that the movie will push any taboos or provoke any real suspense.
BOTTOM LINE: Skip it. Watch Near Dark and Interview With the Vampire, which understand that a century of built-up sexual vampire angst needs an R rating.
Whew. Disagree? Have your own suggestions? Any big movies I missed? E-mail me at the above address, or fight it out in our Forums. And keep on fighting the good fight.
