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Jeff Foxworthy and his "You know you're a redneck if.." shtick has nothing on my list! Would he do a Blue Collar Comedy Tour to discuss demons, gore and boobs? I think not. I mean the only connection he has to horror is that some of his relatives were featured killing people in the Wrong Turn movies.
That was mean. I'm sorry. To make it up to anyone who was offended, sit down with me, enjoy a bucket of fried chicken and a glass of sweet tea. Hey, don't look at me like that! Don't you people like fried chicken? Ok, I didn't mean "you people", I just meant...Oh forget it! Jesus you're sensitive.
Just read the damn list!
1. You wonder what the twins from The Shining are doing now.
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| "We work at Radio Shack now Danny." |
2. You believe that beneath the candy and golden tickets Willy Wonka is nothing more than a cold-blooded child killer.
3. You not only have wondered how to make fake blood but have actually tried to make it.
4. You have gone as David Hess for Halloween.
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| "Guess who I'm supposed to be?" |
5. You wish Hostel had more torture scenes.
6. You get into a heated discussion on a message board about who would win a steel cage match: George Romero or Tom Savini.
7. You wonder why every horror movie can't be in 3D.
8. You wish that in the middle of Everybody Loves Raymond he would have had a meltdown and killed his entire family on a "very special episode".
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| "Get ready to die bitches!" |
9. You just know the inbred-looking gas station attendant is up to something when he suggests you take the "new road" that's not on your map, but you take it anyway.
10. As a teenager you wrote "Mrs. Ken Foree" on all of your school notebooks. Oh shut up, I can't be the only girl who did that!
11. You have always felt that not only could Leatherface be reasoned with, he could end up becoming a really good friend.
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| What's up potential new friends? Why are ya runnin' away? |
12. You find yourself doing extremely selfish things in life in the hopes you will be scolded by Jigsaw and forced to make it through his intricate maze of puzzles and riddles, in an effort to help you to change your ways.
13. You've been waiting for the "Halloween" line of navy-blue work jumpsuits to come out.
14. You think Renee Zellweger should have won the Oscar not for Cold Mountain but for Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation.
15. You see that old haunted mental institution your cleaning company has been hired to clean up as nothing more than a way to pay for that new jet ski. What was that? The last cleaning crew to attempt it disappeared? Yawn!
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| "Gee guys, THANKS for sticking around to help with the cleanup." |
16. During the holidays you want to dress up as Santa, only your bag would contain severed body parts and dead animals. Go ahead, let your sweet little niece Susie reach in there for a gift! Priceless!
17. You feel Cujo was just trying to tell the mom and her son that he wanted to play.
18. You sometimes wonder what it would be like to belong to a family of inbred hillbillies who live in the woods and spend their days setting up bear traps for hikers and forcing unsuspecting motorists off the main road. You could be the normal and smart one of the family, kind of like Marilyn on The Munsters. Also, how sweet would it be to have one of those abandoned car lots in your backyard filled with the expensive items that once belonged to your victims? Can you say, Ebay?
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| "Great news, I found a laptop." |
19. You bring popcorn to an exorcism.
20. Spring break, naked chicks, beer and killer fish. Why is everyone screaming?
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| Two tickets to paradise please! |
21. You don't need to be tricked into carrying Satan's spawn. All he needs to do is ask.
22. You are ready to start that satanic event catering business, you're just looking for a group of free-thinking backers. Who hasn't secretly wished that sacrifices were catered affairs?
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| "You ate the last hot wing, didn't you?" |
Did you like the list? I hope so. Hey, sorry about that redneck/inbred remark from before. I honestly didn't think that the rednecks out there would have been able to understand the joke let alone been able to read it.
Oops, that really didn't come out right. I'll shut up now.
Until next time.....
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