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I had heard of TERROR ON TAPE, a compilation tape from the now-defunct video distributor, Continental Video. It was an hour and a half of shameless self-promotion from the 80's B-movie giant. I have absolutely no problem with a company doing this, especially a company whose specialty was the horror that I grew up on. When I was a teenager I lived on a steady diet of Vestron and Gorgon horror video titles. Back then, the videotapes were the size of cereal boxes and a certain fan girl was salivating at the video store wondering which ones to rent. A compilation of these titles together in one movie? I had only two questions: How did I manage to miss this gem and where had it been my whole life?
Then. I watched it.
I suddenly had two new questions: What was I smoking back then to find this shit entertaining and where could I get some of it now?
Now don't go and get TERROR ON TAPE mixed up with TERROR IN THE AISLES, another 80's horror compilation movie. TERROR ON TAPE is TERROR IN THE AISLES' younger, overweight sister who stares at the phone every Saturday night while her beautiful and more popular sister gets ready for a date. Don't get me wrong, AISLES didn't exactly have me biting my fingernails but at least it covered all of the films I had grown up loving and, at that time, was still in the process of growing up to love. Still though, the sales pitch WAS a little too aggressive. I mean just look at this tag line:
"If you can handle more than one hundred jolts of one-hundred percent pure terror, then you might be ready for "Terror in the Aisles!"."
One hundred jolts of terror? Eh. More like the little shock you feel when you slide your socks along the carpet and then touch someone.
Terror on tape is just as worse: "A video nightmare you can't erase!" screams its tag line. It should have been "Time you can't get back!". I've heard how TERROR ON TAPE was a blatant rip off of terror in the aisles but in fact, TAPE (1983) came out a year before AISLES (1984).
Unlike AISLES though, TAPE has a very small well in which to draw movies from. And they are movies I have never even heard of. Titles like CATHY'S CURSE and SCALPS will have even the most impressive horror film aficionado scratching his or her head. One gets the feeling that either the producers own all of these movies and wanted to showcase them, or they filmed various scenes and made them look like they came from actual movies just so they could put out a horror compilation tape. For those playing at home, if you picked choice number one, you win!
Unlike AISLES, TERROR ON TAPE doesn't boast hosts like Donald Pleasance or Nancy Allen. TAPE stars Cameron Mitchell (from the original TOOLBOX MURDERS) as a ghoulish video store owner in a performance that screams, "The mortgage is due!". There is no way a person would make a movie like this if they didn't absolutely have to. It would have been less offensive if he had just sent out self-addressed stamped envelopes to the public in an effort to solicit money. I know I would have gladly paid him to have not made this movie. Have you ever been so embarrassed for someone that you couldn't even look at him or her? Well get ready to become best friends with that feeling!
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| "Wha? My mortgage is due!?" |
One by one, "customers" come into the video store seeking horror in various forms. One of which is a construction worker who has just gotten off work. He loves T&A with his gore and wants his craving for it to be satisfied. Say no more! We are treated to clips of tanned and sexy babes from long-gone decades with massive amounts of pubic hair. Michelle Bauer has a part as the last (thank god!) customer of the day. She plays a serious gore hound whose lust for gore cannot be satisfied! Bauer plays the part so ridiculously that at times she comes off like she is having an asthma attack instead of a sexy siren.
I must admit, in the beginning anyway, it was fun to see scenes from such ridiculously bad horror movies, especially Hershel Gordon Lewis' COLOR ME BLOOD RED and 2,000 MANIACS. But, after the fifteenth clip from the horror shitfest entitled THE SLAYER, you're ready to call it a night. Well, not before ordering a pizza, grabbing a case of beer and some of your friends to goof on the insanity.
The slight disappointment of TERROR ON TAPE made me think: What other movie titles had messed with my mind and lulled me into the false feeling that I was about to have my socks knocked off, and my mind officially blown?
I remember the days of the dramatic 70's radio movie spots. The ones that made blatant promises that some of the movies back then couldn't possibly have lived up to:
"If you are at all impressionable, don't see this movie!"
"Would you be willing to sign your OWN death certificate to see this movie?"
This one took the cake:
"If you are one of the millions of movie goers who were affected by the sheer terror of JAWS then get ready for EATEN ALIVE!"
Comparing JAWS to EATEN ALIVE is like comparing Dom Perignon to a bottle of rotgut purchased at Walgreens. These were blatant, in-your-face pleas to part you from your hard earned cash. Not that back then it was any better but at least it was gimmicky and charming.
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| "Uuuuh, Who's this Spielberg fella?" |
Here are a few movies whose titles wrote checks the movies themselves just couldn't cash.
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| "Am I being Spellbound yet?" |
SPELLBINDER (1988)
A sexy and mysterious woman (Kelly Preston) enters into the life of a young professional (Tim Daly from TV's WINGS) and he, of course, winds up falling for her. But (Que. suspenseful music) she isn't who she appears to be and, like most guys who help out a hot chick in movies like these, he ends up paying a pretty high price. I won't spoil it for you but, well, yes I will, she belongs to a group of witches/satanic cult. She acts as if she is on the run from them but we soon realize that she was acting all along in an effort to hook Tim Daly into the insanity. It all plays out like a bad Lifetime movie and should been called UNISOM instead of the laughable SPELLBINDER. Seriously, It works just as well as any sleep-aid on the market today.
The only thing that made it barely-watchable was Kelly Preston's boobs. I think most problems could be solved with her boobs. Don't believe me? Go rent the 1985 movie MISCHIEF. But I digress...
TOO SCARED TO SCREAM (1985)
The original title of this one was THE DOORMAN and it should have stayed that way. This dopey 1985 production is about as exciting and suspenseful as a day in the life of an actual doorman. I know that TOO SCARED TO SCREAM is catchy and makes a film-goer feel like they are going to be in for one wild ride but if you can't deliver on any of that then, how is that smart? What genius marketing! Get them in the theater under exciting false pretenses and then give them Mike Connors. Here, Connors plays Lt. Alex Dinardo. He is trying to figure out who is killing residents in a fancy New York apartment building but and looks like he has just woken up from a nap in nearly every scene. Ian McShane, however, is a tad better as a mentally unstable doorman who looks good for the murders. Oh, and did I mention he cares for his disabled mother with whom he has a Norman Bates-y relationship?
The storyline probably seemed decent on paper but somehow when put into the hands of actor/director Tony Lo Bianco (he played Ray in THE HONEYMOON KILLERS and a detective in GOD TOLD ME TO) nothing really seems to get going. Aside from very little gore and a couple of scenes of gratuitous nudity, there really isn't much to look at. Too tired to stay awake!
TRILOGY OF TERROR 2 (1996)
Yes, it's a trilogy of tales but they left out the terror part. For some godforsaken reason Dan Curtis (the genius who brought us BURNT OFFERINGS) decided to bring back his classic TRILOGY OF TERROR and make the second installment strangely familiar yet completely void of anything that made the original what it was. Who in the 70's doesn't remember the creepy Zuni doll stabbing at Karen Black's legs with his little sword (thanks mom!). I was a little girl during my first viewing and needed to be carried to bed that night in an effort to keep my legs unscathed. I laid there in the darkness and just knew I was going to see the shadow of that goddamn doll from the glow of my Snoopy night light!
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| "Have you seen what Lysette Anthony did to my character?" |
In TRILOGY OF TERROR 2, the beautiful Lysette Anthony (geeks will remember her from KRULL) takes over for Karen Black and tries hard to make this plate of luke-warm leftovers appealing. Unfortunately, she isn't skilled enough as an actress to be up to the task. In all fairness though she has very little to work with here. The first tale moves as slow as molasses in a snowstorm, while the second is just plain stupid. When the time comes for the infamous doll to make an appearance you're too busy scrounging around for a copy of the original.
SHOCKER (1989)
Sometimes a movie is relegated to a certain time period. It just won't fly in any other decade. 1989's SHOCKER, directed by Wes Craven, is one of those movies. It needs to stay firmly nestled in the bosom of the 80's. It tells the story of convict Horace Pinker, who, I am convinced was groomed to be the next Freddy Kreuger, but the character just couldn't cut the mustard. Pinker killed an entire family and was sentenced to the electric chair for his crimes. Thanks to a good old-fashioned pact with the devil, Pinker comes back to life in the form of an evil energy source. Young Jonathan (Peter Berg) plays the hero and once belonged to the now butchered family. Not only did he lose his family but he is forced to endure lines from Pinker like, "Come on, boy, let's take a ride in my Volts Wagon". Pinker can reach Jonathan through his dreams too (Krueger, paging Freddy Krueger!) and, well, there really isn't a whole lot more to tell.
The 19 year-old version of Yours Truly thought this movie rocked. Well, she thought the soundtrack did anyway. Remember the days when metal met horror? A great soundtrack could convince you that a movie was good simply by having an Alice Cooper or Dokken (remember DREAM WARRIORS?) song play in the background of a scene. Also, this was back when MTV wasn't a lifestyle channel, but a network devoted to actually playing music videos and covering all things music related. I remember watching coverage of the premiere of SHOCKER and one by one everyone, from Alice Cooper to Dave Mustaine, sat in a silver plated electric chair for a photo-op, complete with phony electricity, and proceeded to be "electrocuted".
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| "Shocker? Yeah, love it now, but ask me again in 20 years!" |
Ah, the 80's. Sadly, after the Krokus and Winger t-shirts are put away, SHOCKER is just another mindless mess that doesn't live up to its title.
HIGH TENSION (2003)
This Alexandre Aja film offered little in the way of tension for me, high or otherwise. Perhaps it's because it is a blatant rip-off of the Dean Koontz' novel INTENSITY. At the time I saw TENSION I was shocked more people did not see the similarities or even make mention of them. Not once did I see it mentioned in a review, in the press or in an interview. That was until 2005, when a journalist asked Aja about it. Aja claimed that TENSION was a "homage" the book, Dean Koontz was an "influence" and that, yes, he had indeed read INTENSITY.
There is "homage" and then there is straight-out copying someone's work. An influence is someone who inspires you but apparently in France the word influence translates to "someone more talented in which less talented people copy from".
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| Haven't we been here before? |
If you look at the bulk of Aja's career you will see that the guy isn't exactly an advocate for originality. When a film is a remake or a sequel, OK, I can understand that. But to write a script, pick up a camera and shoot a film that is almost identical to a work that already exists, and not have the decency to mention the original source, until you're forced to, is outright disgraceful.
Where there is no originality, there is no tension.
Well, it's time that I climb onto my high horse and ride off into the sunset. I have a Dokken T-shirt at home with my name on it and a copy of MISCHIEF that needs to be watched.
Until Next Time....
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