Problem is, it just isn't very good. I'm talking about Diary of the Dead the latest in what has become a way to long series of films by legendary director George Romero.

I seen it in the theater and if you read my review of it then you know that I didn't have a lot of good to say about it. I was hoping that being able to watch it in the privacy of my own home without the freakin high school kids texting, laughing and just being all around annoying to fight with that I might see something I missed. Turns out that the distractions were a good thing for if you really pay attention to this film it is actually way worse then if you just kind of “skim” it.

So, lets get into this. Just exactly what is the problem with Diary of the Dead?

The problems exist on many levels. First off lets deal with the fact that the film is just way to preachy. Romero has always been known for his rich layered political statements. You expect them from him, actually look forward to them. This time around though they come across not as statements but as long rambling diatribes on the media and our lack of privacy, etc. He seems out of touch with whats going on. The kids today love the net, love the fact that something that happens at noon can be seen by the whole world by 12:15. Romero seems to attack this which is in sense attacking the audience that he hopes to attract. Kind of strange.

I mentioned in my film review the scene where he compares the use of a camera to the use of a gun. Just silly and coming from a man who has made his career filming ultra-violent images it seems rather condescending.

I hate the fact that GAR has decided to preach to me about violence and the media. I rather he pick on politicians and government and consumerism like in the original Dawn.

Another big problem is the fact that this film brings nothing and I do mean nothing new to the table. It is a complete retelling of most of his other zombie films. The only difference is that this is presented in that “Blair Witch” shaky cam style. It works OK, just already been done to death.

We are treated to shambling zombies, munching zombies, graphic head hits, gut spills, etc. Just watch any of Savini's work in Romero's classic works and you can see them redone here by someone else.

They look good, just more of the same.

The entire film looks good, all of Romero's films have looked good. He's a talented film maker but when it's just more of the same good looking stuff, you get bored.

I think we've reached the point that if he can't bring something new to the mythos then perhaps it is better to move on and let sleeping zombies lie.

Land of the Dead was horrible, Diary of the Dead is better but not much.

I'm afraid that this is one Diary that may have been better off left unread.

Now on a brighter note the disc does come jam packed with some kick ass special features that end up being the real star of this package. Put together by the one and only Michael (Slipcase) Felsher the multi part “making of” segments do offer up some amazing behind the scenes fun.

The film may suck but I still get a kick out of watching GAR work and Felsher and Co. bring us up close and personal to the action. Even if you don't watch the feature give the disc a spin to watch the special features, you won't be disappointed.

Diary of the Dead hits shelves on May 20^th

So while the film doesn't work as comedy in any way it does instead make a bit of a mark as a caper / horror film. The plot is very convoluted and actually rather silly but in the end those involved do make it work so lets get into if just a bit.

As the film opens we meet Ritchie played by Dorff who along with his gang or cronies is about to steal a suitcase full of diamonds as final payment of a debt that he owes to the Russian mafia for years earlier getting him and his family out of Russia and to the states. Seems that this Russian baddie has been pretty much abusing poor Ritchie ever since getting him out of the country but that is about to end as this is the final time Ritchie will have to put his life on the line. Problem is that as they are getting away they are involved in a horrible traffic accident and Ritchie is the only one who escapes and he also looses the jewels.

He has to go back to his Russian mobster boss and inform him of the situation. Needless to say the news is not taken well and Ritchie finds himself having to go back out and do one more last heist.

Ritchie is heading back to Russia and he has to swipe a a cross that once belonged to Ivan The Terrible.

Turns out that the cross is located in the penthouse of a super secure highrise in Moscow. All Ritchie has to do is hook up with some Russian mobster dudes, sneak in, steal the cross and bring it back to head baddie. Debt paid and Ritchie can live out the rest of his life in the states free of the mob.

Soooo, they make it to the highrise, they make it to the cross, so far so good but then one of the mobsters kills a passer by and things start to go bad. Our crew boards the elevator to the ground floor and sweet freedom. Problem is, there are a few people from the building in the elevator (or lift as they say in the film) and before our troop knows it they are smack dab in the middle of their very own hostage situation.

Realizing that they can't leave the building with a bunch of hostage in tow they get off the elevator to try and figure out what to do next. Things get complicated as they soon come to the realization that they are on a floor of the building that doesn't seem to really exist or exists on some kind of “other plain” or something. It is never really explained why or how the floor exists nor is it explained why on this floor also exists a sword swirling viking looking guy who begins hunting and killing all trapped on the floor.

I think he's supposed to be Ivan the Terrible who's bejeweled cross Ritchie and crew have just stole. Things get violent and very bloody really quickly and the although the film leaves a lot of questions unanswered it still manages to entertain and ends up being a gore filled romp that I for the most part enjoyed.

I guess what annoyed me most was the fact that I kept waiting for these great comedic moments that for me just never came. Perhaps it's just me and I just didn't get.

But in the long run it still doesn't end up ruining the film as it really does stand on it's own merits as a horror / action film.

BOTCHED is available as we speak so go grab it and check it out.

The best compliment I can give Gutterballs is that the director achieves his goal: the film feels like a relic from the early eighties, looking every bit like a video nasty that was rejected from cinemas.  There are some horror junkies who revel in the hardcore gore and relative seriousness of such films.  I can’t say I’m one of them, and, judging from this homage, I don’t plan on trying again anytime soon.

The title prepared me for a humorous slasher set at a bowling alley.  I was half right.  It definitely takes place at a bowling alley, where the bodies are piling up faster than rental shoes at closing time, or pins after a strike, or analogies when a reviewer’s trying to stall.  The film begins with a confrontation between two groups of not-too-bright, not-too-clean teenagers who set us up for another eighties trope, the slobs and the snobs.  Fun is about to be had…

…and then a girl is raped for eight minutes.

Thought it should be obvious to anyone intelligent enough to work their DVD player that rape is not much fun, the girl is raped for eight minutes.  And while I saw plenty of opportunities for us to step outside that scene and move on to the rest of the story, the scene goes on and on and on.  This doesn't have to be the end of the film, assuming the film justifies such cruelty by presenting an attitude or opinion about what happened.  But it doesn't.

What results is a weak slasher film memorable only for its desperate efforts to shock.  And I will nobly concede that the film successfully shocks.  I actively looked away from the screen a number of times, especially due to the massive amount of genital-related trauma in this film.  I guess that’s the final frontier of horror films (remember Planet Terror’s jar ‘o’ testicles?), and Gutterballs has death scenes that are as creative as they are disgusting.  But to what end?

An emphasis on gruesome kills suggest that the film exists mostly for cheap thrills.  So it would seem that the film is designed for those who just want a simple, enjoyable ninety minutes.  But, wait, maybe it’s for post-modern snickering from those who appreciate its callbacks to older horror films, admiring the fresh coat of paint on a drearily old product.  Hell, it could even be meta, in the way its characters and situations are so artificial that they keep bringing up questions of what the filmmakers were thinking.

But if that’s the case, why spend so much time at the beginning focusing on the cruelty of rape?  Are we meant to chuckle through this like we chuckle through normal “kills” in a horror movie?  What separates the two acts is that the former is relentless and personal and cruel, whereas horror movie “kills” can be impersonal, dismissive, and fast, pushing the audience instead to admire the technique leading up to sudden violence.

Apart from the gore gags, though, there’s little to no technique on display here.  There’s just the desire to recapture a shallow horror ethos that didn’t need to be dredged up again.  If you're a fan of such things, have at it.  As for me, I've moved on.

It's a throw back to the fright fests of the late 60 and early 70's. Think Burnt Offerings and the like with a little bit of the original House on Haunted Hill thrown in for good measure. This one isn't a gore fest. It relies much more on suspense and tone to set the spooky stage. The idea while certainly not completely original does pack enough surprises to make it all seem refreshed up a a bit and not so stale .

The story goes something along these lines. A bestselling writer buys an old house and then promptly seems to disappear. A group of her friends go a looking for her and find her in that house that she just bought and she seems to have gone a bit mad. What is soon figured out is that the house holds a secret that will now alter the lives of all those present.

As the gang attempts to take their friend and leave it is quickly figured out that those attempting to exit and killed. Not just killed but killed by experiencing their worst fear. Hence the title of the film FEAR HOUSE.

What I found most refreshing about this project is that it doesn't try to be anything more than what it is, an independent ghost story that uses it brains and story to scare you rather than random bloody violence.

I really enjoyed this little ditty and although I know it won't appeal to all of you I think that if you're more of a classic horror fan then this one is for you.

Writer / Director Micheal Morris has crafted an edgy suspenseful ghost story that indie horror fans can really sink their teeth into. It does fall victim to so of the indie horror traps that so plague the genre. Not enough money, a little questionable acting, etc. but Morris bypasses these pitfalls and delivers the goods.

I like it when I stumble across a film like this as it lets me know that there are still talented, passionate horror fans out there churning out the work and fighting the good fight.

FEAR HOUSE while maybe not perfect is still leaps and bounds ahead of some of the crap that major studios are trying to shove down our throat. If you're standing in a video store and have I AM LEGEND in one hand and FEAR HOUSE in the other do your wallet and your mind a favor and gently place I AM LEGEND back on the rack and slowly back away from it. Clutch FEAR HOUSE to your chest and sprint to the register and buy it.

For all the info on FEAR HOUSE you will find no better place then the films official My Space site which you can view by CLICKING HERE.

The premise alone is enough to make any male squirm. Yes, what you have heard about the film is true. It is about a lovely young woman who inexplicably has a teethed vagina. Yep, pump pump, chomp chomp.

On the surface you would think that this one would be your typical grindhouse, soft core porn bull shit but it is actually an intelligent even thoughtful film that tells the story of a coming of age woman and the pressures and problems that her new found affliction brings into her life.

Jess Weixler plays Dawn, a very prim and proper young virgin who spends a lot of her time traveling around to schools preaching abstinence to younger children. Fighting hard to keep her budding sexuality at bay our young Dawn begins flirting with a fellow classmate and when he forces himself upon her well lets just say things get interesting.

As Dawn comes to grips with her affliction she decides to see the doctor and more crotch chomping fun ensues. Along the way Dawn learns that she can control the beast inside and she begins to use her powers to harm those that have harmed her. There are several scenes that should send even the hardiest of men running from the room with their hands over their crotches. I don't want to ruin the fun, you'll know the scenes when you see them.

In the end you end up cheering for Dawn as she sticks it to the men who have wronged her.

TEETH is everything you could hope for and nothing like you would expect. It is a must see.

Here is all the info on the release:

*_Synopsis_*

High school student Dawn works hard at suppressing her budding sexuality by being the local chastity group’s most active participant. Her task is made even more difficult by her bad boy stepbrother Brad’s increasingly provocative behavior at home. A stranger to her own body, innocent Dawn discovers she has a toothed vagina when she becomes the object of violence. As she struggles to comprehend her anatomical uniqueness, Dawn experiences both the pitfalls and the power of being a living example of the vagina dentata myth.

*DVD Special Features*

    * Deleted Scenes (with optional Director Commentary)
    * Feature Commentary By Writer/Director Mitchell Lichtenstein
    * Behind-The-Scenes of /Teeth/!
    * Outtakes