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THE ORDEAL Of Ending A Relationship
By THE FAN GIRL NEXT DOOR

Oct 12, 2008 - 7:14:56 AM

Sometimes people grow apart, they end up not wanting the same things, they change. Whatever the reason sometimes relationships, no matter how great, just don't work out. Sometimes if enough time passes, you're both well-adjusted enough and it didn't end too badly, you can turn out to be the best of friends. Sometimes though it doesn't go well and the image of you backing over them in your Toyota Camry keeps playing in one long and demented loop in your mind.

You're hip, You're cool, You're mature, right? Nah. Nope. Sorry. Ending a relationship hurts no less now than it did when you were 15.

You know what is worse than the first day of no communication? The second. Didn't they get that email from you that said you're a miserable shell of your former self? Then there is the fun game of, "Was that the phone I heard?!". You know the game, you think you hear the phone ringing when you really know you didn't then you pick up the receiver anyway just to check to make sure. Yeah, that's reasonable, only when it happens 12 times a day you begin to look like a 5-year-old with one of those fisher-price toy phones. Your clumsy, not yet coordinated hands pick up the phone after every imaginary ring.

"Hello?"...."It's for you"..."Who is it?......"No One you crazy asshole, now go dust off your backbone, put it back in and get back to work".

Then there is also MySpace to think about. Remove them from your friends list? How scandalous! Believe it or not there are certain people on your friends list who WILL mind and WILL bring up the fact you moved things around and changed the list up a bit. These people scare me. These are the people you hear about on the news who live their whole lives completely incident-free but then one day sink a salad fork into the neck of a dinner companion. The 'out-of-nowhere psycho' if you will. The kind of person the neighbors will describe as "quiet" and "nice" when the local news interviews them about said salad fork incident.

What is that bullshit saying? "Absence makes the heart grow fonder"? If by fonder you mean you never hear from them again then, YES! Here's the thing, if someone wants to be with you they won't do anything to jeopardize it. There will be fear when "the one" enters your life, and that's normal, but it isn't the kind of fear that makes them sleep with your best friend or have second thoughts about that "I know your the only one for me" speech they gave you 2 nights ago. I know, It's a hard thing to admit you're wrong about someone but you know what's even harder? Living a life of constant hurt and disappointment with someone who doesn't respect you or love you enough to not play games.

Throughout the emotional turmoil you have but one thing running through your mind, "What movie can I watch to make me feel better?". OK, maybe not. We both know that unless that "movie" is a video of Him/Her pleading with you to take them back or watching them get run over by the 5pm Amtrak coming in from Chicago that nothing is going to truly make you feel better. All you can do is merely try to get your mind off of it. You need a momentary distraction (Just like you were to them. Aww, I'm kidding my little poppet!) and boy, do I have one for you....


Hey, what are you doing? Put down that phone! There is a strict rule clearly stated in the handbook. NO phone contact. It reeks of desperation. Now, relax and enjoy me writing about my movie recommendation.....



CALVAIRE (AKA THE ORDEAL), directed by Fabrice Du Welz, is a nasty, mean- spirited little movie that came out of Belgium in 2004. It tells the tale of Marc Stevens (Laurent Lucas), a schlocky lounge crooner in Belgium, who is hot off the heels of a performance at an old folks home, where he has made quite an impression with the ladies. One elderly woman comes on to him after the performance in a way that will stay with you for a few days. Also in lust with Marc is a nurse (French adult star icon Brigitte Lahaie) who gives him a desperate and uncomfortable hug goodbye. Unfortunately for them, Marc has no time for the fairer sex. He is eager to start his journey south to a Christmas gala where, hopefully, he will catch the eye of a producer. It seems Marc wants to make it big and play gigs where a little old lady won't place his hand in her crotch.



Things in these types of movies rarely go as planned though and Marc finds himself broken down after only a few hours of driving. He is stranded near the Bartel Inn. Lucky for him, right? Um, not so much. A creepy local looking for his "pet" Bella helps him find his way to the inn. Once there the local calls up to Mr. Bartel (Jackie Berroyer) by announcing, " I have brought you someone". You just know he means something completely sinister with that statement. Morning comes with Marc finding Bartel looking as if he is going to fix the car and discovering Marc is a performer. After much bartering back and forth over who will fix the car, an actual mechanic or Mr. Bartel, Marc resigns himself to the fact he is going to be there for a few days. Meanwhile Bartel makes a few showy attempts at picking up the phone to call a mechanic, who isn't able to come out right away (Red flag number 1). Bartel's thinking is, 'Hey, what's the hurry kid, performers need to recharge their batteries, relax'.  Marc reluctantly agrees and decides to go for a walk. Before he leaves, Bartel makes him swear to not go into town as the townspeople don't really understand people like Marc (Hello, red flag number 2!). Marc agrees and sets out on his walk.



Well, Marc doesn't know his way around and happens to find himself near on old shed where he hears a commotion. Now, How many times have you said to yourself, "You know what would make this movie really great? A pig being held down and raped!" Well utter that statement no more because CALVAIRE treats us to this, complete with uncomfortable, blood-curdling, squealing, almost as if the pig is crying for help. At this point I was ready to push stop, get on a plane, and punch the person who recommended this experiment in dementia to me square in the face. Well, I couldn't find the remote and was clean out of frequent flyer miles so, the punch would have to wait. Marc, obviously repulsed and quietly disturbed by what he has seen, heads back to Bartel's to see about that mechanic. Unfortunately, a mechanic won't be able to come until the next day and our Marc will have to spend yet another night at the Bartel Inn.

During a thoughtful meal made by Bartel, the two men settle in for a bit of after dinner chit chat. It seems Bartel's wife Gloria has left him for another man and it is also revealed he was once a comedian who entertained people with his funny stories. He shares one with Marc about a midget soccer team in a pub and it is quite charming. Marc, at Bartel's request, sings a bittersweet song about lost love, afterwards Bartel begins to cry. The two men seem to have common ground, if only for a moment, and that pleases Bartel. Marc laughed at Bartel's comical story and Bartel was touched by Marc's song. The contrast between this scene and the horrid and nauseating scene with the pig is striking. While Marc cannot wait to leave and get back on the road, Bartel appears to be a lonely, broken man who is merely grateful to be having company, someone to talk to. At this point you have no idea what to make of this movie. Then, the pain comes.



Revelations are made and it is soon discovered that a mechanic was never called and no one is on the way to help Marc. See, Marc has the misfortune of reminding Bartel of his wife. You soon realize though that one of Bartel's dining room chairs or a cotton swab is likely to remind him of his wife because he has gone absolutely mad. He wonders why she left him, it agonizes him. Now, she has come back to him in the form of a cheesy lounge singer. Let the good times roll! Bartel and his 'lady love' have a lot of time to make up for. Bartel decides that Marc would look really cute in one of Gloria's old dresses and that he needs to make Marc not as pretty so, he proceeds to shave off sections of Marc's matinee idol mane. If "Gloria" is unattractive then "she" won't be taken away by another man again.

Many stomach-churning, uncomfortable and strange scenes follow. They all play out like a horrible car crash that you pass on the side of the road. You want to turn away but yet you can't help but look at it. The mystery of the town is solved, well kind of, with a scene of the townspeople in a small pub "dancing" and it rivals anything David Lynch could have cooked up. You start thinking that maybe Marc is better off with Bartel than he would have been with those people. You end up being very right about that. CALVAIRE takes its cues from DELIVERANCE, STRAW DOGS and SOUTHERN COMFORT but has an original, twisted feel all its own. The premise where everyone in the town our heroes happen to land in is completely off the deep end is always frightening to me. You can fight a man, you can even fight 2 but when a whole community is crazy your odds of survival are down to nothing. CALVAIRE isn't for the faint of heart but I recommend it.

Well, hopefully during this review you didn't call your ex. Your heart may feel like it was wrenched out of your chest but at least you're not some hapless foreign dude who gets tortured and raped by a psycho owner of a Country Inn. It always can be worse. Watch this and for 85 minutes that vicious entity of a human being you call your ex will seem like a distant memory. You really were too good for them anyway.

Now go curl up with a demented bed & breakfast owner and a big bowl of popcorn, it may make you feel better.

 

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