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DVD Review: Don't Go Near the Park
By HammerFanatic
Aug 16, 2006, 21:25

In 1981, co-writer and director Lawrence D. Foldes brought to the big screen, Don't Go Near the Park. The film stars; Crackers Phinn (Gar/Mark), Barbara Monker (Tre), Liannea Quigley (Bondi's Mom), Tamara Taylor (Bondi), Chris Riley (Cowboy), Aldo Ray (Taft) and Meeno Peluce (Nick).

Gar (Phinn) and Tre (Monker) are two Neanderthals living thousands of years ago with a tribe of like Neanderthals. Gar and Tre seem to enjoy each other's company a tad bit more than they should as well as feasting upon the children of their tribe. Just one of these hobbies would be enough for banishment from any tribe, but dabbling in both causes extreme displeasure with the leader of their tribe and she curses the siblings with eternal life and the fun little side-affect of aging ten years for every one year they live. Gar and Tre soon learn they can slow this aging process down by eating the stomachs of young people. As a result, we suddenly find the siblings alive and well in present day. Tre tells Gar, who now goes by the name of Mark, that if they are to break this curse, they need to marry Mark off and the wife must bear his child and the child must be a virgin at the appropriate age of sixteen and be sacrificed, thus ending their torment. Mark manages to find a woman willing to be his wife (Quigley) and she does indeed bear a child, Bondi (Taylor). We next see Bondi celebrating her sixteenth birthday, but her folks are arguing and fed up, Bondi runs away after the party. She's picked up and the occupants attempt to rape her. Bondi is fortunate enough to scream and be tossed from the van, just before it runs off a bridge and explodes. Bondi finds herself wandering around this run down property where Tre is living and terrorizing a neighboring park so she's free to live with a teen runaway named Cowboy (Chris Riley) and another youngster named Nick (Peluce). Nick befriends an old man named Taft (Ray) and Taft is busy trying to make sense of the curse that has befallen the park. Add some zombies rising from their graves and munching on folks and Mark and Tre are soon under suspicion for chowing down on those victims. 

Don't Go Near the Park is offered in anamorphic widescreen (1.85:1) and for a very low-budget film, looks quite good. That's not to say there isn't some instances of print damage, but those are minimal and overall, the picture quality is quite solid. Audio options are an English-only track (Dolby Digital Mono) and optional English subtitles.....that's it. The audio is solid enough with nothing too low or so high at any time that you need to be reaching for the remote. Bonus features are quite nice for a low-budget film like this and include:  

Don't Go Near the Park looks a lot more like a 60s or 70s film to me. Definitely not a bad thing, but any potential viewer must be forewarned, this film is bad! I'm not sure if it falls into that favorite category of, 'So Bad, It's Good', but I'll admit, I really like this film. The film jumps all over the place and rarely makes any sense, the effects are not good at all and the acting is just as bad, but somehow and for some reason, this film entertains me and I really can see myself watching this over and over, again. Mind you, this can me a brain numbing experience, so if you decide to rent this or take the plunge and purchase it, give yourself a few days between repeated viewings! Maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment, but films like this just make my day! Dark Sky Films has done a very nice job with this low-budget film, so for all of us that love the bad and really bad, thanks to them!

Buy Don't Go Near The Park on DVD at Amazon.com